Department of Agriculture rolls out “My Plate”

In Editorial on June 3, 2011 at 10:00 am

It was past time that the old “food pyramid” went the way of the pharaohs.  There was so much writing on it that could not be comprehended by today’s college graduates.  To use it, Americans had to understand complex concepts like “percentages” and “fractions”.  Then, there was all of that chemistry lingo.  Who eats “calcium”?  Big words, like “fortified” were just incomprehensible for Americans who have become accustomed to understanding government edicts consisting of a circle with a slash through it.

No, the food pyramid was as obsolete as mummification of the dead.

Enter, My Plate.

My Plate replaced all of that confusing and over-our-heads stuff with a big circle (representing the plate) and colored segments representing the relative size of government recommended servings of fruit, grains, vegetables and protein.

I was a little confused because the representation for “vegetables” looked a lot like Soylent Green, which everyone knows is a “protein”.  Genetically modified milk, portrayed appropriately in blue, tops off My Plate.

Government graphic designers placed a representation of a fork conveniently next to My Plate, and this explains why there is no “Soup Group”.

Now, I am not entirely going curmudgeon on My Plate.  My family has used a similar graphic representation for centuries…My Booze Bottle.

The My Booze Bottle graphic ensures that heavy drinkers get sufficient empty calories by consuming important groups such as, the Golden Group.  This group represents stuff like beer, brandy, whiskey, etc.  There is also the Clear Group which contains vodka, gin, rum, tequila, arak, and so many more.  Each brain-numbing liquor falls into its own special group in an easy to understand format that can be read in the dim light found under overpasses and in back alleys.

Consequently, the Phyne Dyner eagerly embraces My Plate and was a bit disappointed that Secretary Vilsack’s wife, Christie, does not appear to be on board with the project.

Her submitted version had a cigarette stubbed out in the whole grains group.

I am cheered that, in wartime and as America struggles to emerge from the worst economic calamity since The Great Depression, the Department of Agriculture has time and money to squander as they attempt to girdle My Enormous Ass and I hope other agencies follow the lead of the boys over at Ag.

My Pork Barrel could be a visual representation of tax dollars, confiscated from Americans, redistributed by congress in exchange for power and votes.  My Coffins could represent the lucre politicians pass out to defense contractors as America struggles to keep Sixth Century clerics in dirty nightshirts from overrunning America’s Twenty-first Century imperial legions wearing ceramic body armor.  The Department of Transportation could adopt a graphic of a collapsing bridge in its My Decaying Infrastructure campaign.  However, the Department of Homeland Security may have a trademark battle on its hands if it proceeds with My Colonoscope; a graphic currently under development by Health and Human Services.

Who says a government bureaucracy cannot accomplish much?  In just over two years, we got My Plate.


  1. Resounding applause. Love your sense of humor!

    • *bowing*

      Thanks for the compliment…I attribute my occasional successes to “Even a blind pig finds an occasional acorn.”

      Thanks for reading!

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