Iowa State Fair “nontroversy”

In Editorial on September 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

Yesterday afternoon, a strange sound, a low and ominous “thhhhh-WHOOMF” disturbed me from my daily musings.  When I opened my email this morning a fellow ex-patriot from Texas detailed the source of the sound and its trigger.


Web Photo

Elle magazine had placed an essay on its website that had poked fun at Iowa State Fair couture.  The odd sound I heard was that of Iowan’s panties being simultaneously sucked into a wad.

With butt-cheeks in their characteristic clench, Iowa’s conformist-monkeys flooded from their taupe houses and onto manicured lawns in outrage.  (Rogue Iowans tend to show their displeasure with conformity by shunning taupe housing in favor of beige [pronounced “BAYJ” ].)

Well, in all honesty, it was hardly a flood of protest.  According to the official news organ of Iowa’s Ministry of Economics and Tourism, the Des Moines Register, “…more than 30 commenters had posted largely negative replies…”.

Holy Floodgates, Batman!  “More than 30” and those were “largely negative”?

According to AdWeek, there are 27 Elle websites globally, which collectively attract over 1 million visitors and 26 million page views per month.  That makes the “more than 30” and “largely negative” replies as statistically relevant as Iowa is politically relevant.

The piece was regarded to be “condescending” by many Iowans.

One never hears condescending tones from Iowans as they hoot and giggle when an online poll shows Iowa to be “better” than the other 49 states.

According to (non)condescending Iowans who walk about with fingers jammed in their ears and their eyes tightly closed, Iowa is Paradise Regained.

Unless you are gay (or suspected of being gay) and are beaten to death or are African-American and are tormented and threatened by your white coworkers at the local tractor factory.

Even the “tolerant” Iowans seem intolerant.

I found it disturbing that a fellow Jew (and perpetually snarling yellow-dog Democrat) would mock a failed Tea Party candidate about her being a “witch” as he hooted stereotypes about Wicca.  At the same time, he would spend hours digging his panties from his own ass-crack if a non-Jew cracked wise with, “The Jewish dilemma…free ham.”

Just saying “TEA Party” is enough to send me into fits of laughter without poking fun at one of their follower’s religious practices.

Never mind that, for decades, Iowans have poked fun at their state fair fashionistas.  Cityview, the David-like alternative to the Register’s Goliath, has long published photos of (a-hem) state fair tackiness.

Of course they would!  It is a target-rich environment.

The Iowa State Fair crowd is a sea of too-short shorts on tattooed cottage cheese piano legs, stretch-mark covered muffin-tops drooping over ripped hip-huggers, mullets, sandals with socks, wife-beater shirts, seed company hats, and poorly groomed facial hair.

It is not slander if it is true.

Every state fair (in every state still having one) is an annual tribute to poor grooming and tacky attire.  In Texas, filthy t-shirts emblazoned with Rebel battle flags are draped across male bodies having the physiques of long-time meth users.  In Iowa, portly men wearing cargo shorts with teal-colored cowboy boots set the fashion benchmark.

The author of the Elle online piece, Cintra Wilson, mollified outraged Iowans with what can only be described as “requisite Psalms to Iowa”:

The Register’s choir hummed, “Wilson did write glowingly of Iowa’s natural beauty, and her piece lauded Iowans for their “pervasive kindness,” political acuity and proclivity for long (as long as it is heterosexual – added) marital bliss.”  Wilson carried the melody:  “I thought Iowa was beautiful, and Iowans were amazing, lovely people,” said Wilson. “Iowa, mi amor.”

“Awwwww…shucks”, as iconic Iowan M-A-S-H character Radar O’Reilly would say.

Wilson should have been called to task for her comment, “Truth of the matter is, I am staunchly opposed to all capitalist brainwashing that suggests that women need to look a certain 98-pound, 17-year-old way.”

She obviously did not see the hordes of capitalist-brainwashed Iowans at the Iowa State Fair…

…all dutifully attired in identical Hawkeye or Cyclone fan regalia, right down to “Little Lars” riding in his own “Herky” hoopdie.

Besides, in Iowa, the majority of women do not keep that “certain 98-pound, 17-year-old look” much past the second grade.  It is about then that Wilson’s original observation that Iowa’s women take on the look of “…women around 30 who had been savaged by love and taken to expressing their rage through softball and tattoos.”

Oh, for Pete’s sake Iowa, lighten up!

(For a link to Wilson’s entire un-offensive…and largely Iowa-complimentary…article, go to this link at Raygun:   Blogger and Raygun proprietor, Ryan Looysen, generously saved the Elle article for posterity and adds his own observations to the “nontroversy”.  Bravo, Ryan!)


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