phynedyning

What I’m drinking

In Recipies on November 10, 2011 at 11:43 am

The season of piling on the pounds is upon us and there is not a better drink with which to garner girth than the brandy alexander.

Sure, it is winter and snow is swirling around your ankles.  Drinking a frozen, blended drink should be counter-intuitive.  But you are all Phyne Dyners, stout and hale, ready to meet whatever gastronomic challenge arises!

[You are also dutiful disciples of the Phyne Dyner and you are willing to do whatever he tells you to do…like immediately emailing him your bank account numbers and your mother’s maiden name.]

Warning:  Shameless plug follows!

It had always been my most learned opinion that eggnog was among the most vile, disgusting, and unpalatable drinks ever invented by man.  The stuff looked like baby vomit and tasted like milk drunk from a glass in which two spoiled eggs had been beaten three days prior and allowed to dry.  You had to put brandy…or half of a bottle of Wild Turkey…in a glass of the crap to get it to stay down my throat…the little sprinkle of nutmeg on top was just something to distract you as you moved the stinking stuff to your lips.

Until…I discovered Anderson-Ericksons “Classic” eggnog.  This stuff is awesome by itself.  But, when added to the mixings for a brandy alexander, it is beyond superb.  These “adult milkshakes” are so tasty that they should be a carefully regulated substance…having…ohhhhhh…about a year’s worth of caloric value per drink.  Not only that, you can find yourself vershicker after inadvertently pounding just a few of these down.

Serving them on New Year’s eve, can make for a far better show than the dropping ball on Time’s Square with you and your guests tag-team projectile vomiting from your patio deck.

Coincidentally, the other day provided unexpected manna that contributed to the writing of this column.

Mrs. Phyne Dyner had emerged from a mass discount retailer that the Phyne Dyner would prefer she not patronize, to find two abandoned bottles of dark creme de cacao in a shopping cart (hopefully) abandoned in the parking lot.  After glancing around (somewhat diligently) to see if someone was frantically looking for their missing booze, she did what any true advocate of the Bohemian lifestyle would do…she immediately put them in her basket and took them to her car.

Once home, she paraded them around the living room for an hour, hooting like a cannibal carrying the lopped-off  heads of two lifelong enemies.  After which, she began to worry if they could have “tinkered with” and were part of a plot by al Qaeda or Bob Vanderplaats to ruin an American holiday season (or the day of a drag queen in the case of Bobby V).

She carefully examined their seals, found them “reasonably intact”, and handed me one of the bottles saying, “Here, drink this.”

My carefully tuned olfactory lobe detected the smell of an alcoholic beverage and all sense of caution vanished.  I tossed back a mouthful and belched heartily.

“Now what?”

“Just sit over there.  If you have a seizure or die, I’m pitching this stuff.”

Happily, I did not die…as it would have been a shame to throw out the other, unsampled bottle too.

“Now what?”

Well, it had been a pretty crappy week, so we decided to ponder our misfortunes through goggles fueled by ethanol…the miracle substance through which all things are examined and found to be good.

“Brandy freakin’ alexanders for everyone!”

Now, mixologists will tell you they practice a precise science.  But when you have two whole bottles of free liquor, measuring is a superfluous activity.

Here is a rough idea of how to make an AE Eggnog Brandy Alexander:

Per drink…

2 oz brandy, cognac, or cheap whiskey

1 1/2 oz purloined creme de cacao

1/2 C AE “Classic” eggnog

1 C ancient vanilla ice cream (with ice crystals from last summer)

pinch of nutmeg

Put everything, except the nutmeg, into a blender and blend until smooth.  Pour the drinks into your Flintstones jelly glasses and scatter a bit of nutmeg on top…the nutmeg becomes optional (and most likely entirely forgotten) after about four of these.  Pile a neighbor’s patio furniture into the center of the garden and ignite it into a cozy blaze.  Sit and enjoy your drinks by the fire.  Since some of the fixin’s were free, don’t be stingy…offer one of the drinks to your now, very curious neighbor.

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