Oh baby! It’s SO big!

In Editorial on December 14, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I was going to write a snark-piece addressing the observations of Professor Stephen Bloom and the predictable responses many Iowans had to his article, published in The Atlantic. After reading Bloom’s entire piece, I came away with the conviction that his take on Iowa, and the response to it, deserved a much more sober treatment than I initially planned.

Nice versus Polite

One of the more common rebuttals to Bloom’s assertions is, “Iowans are nice, we’re nothing like he says.” I think it is time to specifically point out, by example, the dichotomy that exists between “nice” and “polite”.

Nice“Dr. Bloom made some pretty harsh statements about Iowa and Iowans. I will remain respectful of Bloom’s opinions while I specifically refute them with facts as I understand them.”

Polite“Okay! May I have your attention? Please keep the shouting down so people in the back holding torches can hear. All those in favor of burning Bloom’s house, raise your hand. Thank you. Those in favor of petitioning the University of Iowa to dismiss Bloom and to wreak economic hardship on him, raise your hand. Thank you.”

See the difference? Nice people are polite by nature. Polite people are not necessarily nice. From statements posted on the comment boards of the majority of Iowa newspapers reporting on Bloom’s work, it would be accurate to say, “A lot of Iowans are very polite.”

There was, for example, the intemperate comment, “We should strip him (Bloom) naked, and glue some antlers to his head…”

There have been worse.

Such comments only serve to underscore Bloom’s characterizations, rather than contradict them.

More to the point, Why are “well-educated” and “fair-minded” Iowans moved to make comments that only tend to support Bloom’s assertions?

“Ohhhh, baby…your d—k is so huge!”

Every hooker knows that verbal encouragement is necessary to facilitate, errrr, fast customer turnover. The sooner a whore can be back on the street, the sooner another john can be hooked and fleeced. Consequently, hookers do not make “cuddly talk” during sex-for-pay.

What the @#%$% do whores have to do with Bloom’s article and Iowa?

Every few years, or on an ongoing basis, whores from Washington DC and from Des Moines travel into the hamlets Bloom talks about in his article. At the “chew and chats”, the whores begin their sex-talk: “Iowa is the home of common sense values. The clean and wholesome Iowa lifestyle. Iowa, the economic powerhouse of the Midwest.”

Locals buy into the politician’s sex talk and ignore the boarded up storefronts, the loaded U-Haul trucks leaving town, or the bundles of mail at the post office coming from the last crop of university graduates who fled Spyderwort, Iowa to seek opportunities elsewhere.

Local political whores suck it (pardon the pun) all up.  Every politician knows that it is far better to rule in Hell, than to serve in Heaven. Consequently, these lesser, local whores are the first to incite the now flaccid local johns when a critic like Bloom pops up.

Bloom’s offense was pointing out, “Hey, I shower with you guys and, in spite of what the hooker told you, you’re no better endowed than anyone else.”

My friend, a veteran gynecologist of great wisdom, points out to younger doctors that it is a practice volume killer for any gynecologist to tell their patients they “need to lose a few pounds”…even if each of her legs needs to be weighed separately.

Nobody likes honest criticism.

Hell…it’s everywhere you want to be…

My shadow has not fallen on a Detroit sidewalk for about 33 years. In its heyday, Detroit boasted 100% employment in good jobs and there was almost 80% home ownership, even among the most humble blue-collar workers. Today, it is unsafe to walk down a Detroit street without being accompanied by a Marine rifle company. The venerable Michigan Theatre is now (literally) a gilded parking garage.

Across the river, in Illinois, river towns there struggle with the same blight as their Iowa counterparts…and they are every bit as outraged when “some idiot” points it out to them.

There are a lot of places in America that can best be described as Hell’s Waiting Room.

Ask any Iowan…Texas is full of gap-toothed rednecks driving pickups with “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper stickers…adjacent to the rope pulling an African-American by the neck.

The fact is; there are places in Texas, where one is more likely to spot merino-wool socks under Birkenstock sandals…than cowboy boots. And there are colonias in West Texas where the city water supply is a dirty stock tank in the back of a rusty pickup truck.

When the political whores go to either place in Texas, they tell the respective residents how “smart”, “independent”, and “friendly” they are too.

It keeps the locals from asking too many hard questions.

Prostitutes are the same everywhere.

Bloom is not the problem…

The ire directed at Dr. Bloom is only a distraction. Local political whores live in symbiosis with the whores from Des Moines and Washington. Local politicians know, if they can redirect resident anger to “elitist outsiders from Joisy”, they can successfully continue their reign in Hell for one more term. Or, if they walk under a lucky star, they can eventually move to Des Moines or Washington…where the real political perks are found

Happy, content, and fully employed people do not use meth. So, when a political whore, or the sycophant advertising and media types hoot derisively at critics pointing out Wal Mart blighted towns and the despair within them…you can be assured that the real problem is not the critic.

Truth said, Iowa is no smarter, richer, or fair-minded than many other places in America.  Conversely, Iowa is no less intelligent, poorer, or more bigoted than many other places in America.

Bloom simply told the truth in an unflattering manner. Bloom is analogous to the battered girlfriend of a john whose “provocation” for her beating was in her honestly pointing out that his organ is “just average” in size.


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