Introducing: Phyne Dyning’s “T-Ball Awards”

In General Information on June 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Everybody’s a winner!

Who hasn’t heard of T-Ball?

T-Ball is that wonderful sport for little tykes where, instead of a pitched ball, the batter’s target sits stationary atop a post. The ball is so-positioned to ensure that every batter hits the ball. At the conclusion of the game every player is declared a “winner” and is made the recipient of a colorful ribbon or plastic trophy.

America has become the T-Ball Nation. Everyone here is a winner, whether or not they even play the game. Nobody needs to expend effort and there are no scores kept to damage the fragile egos of the losers. Players need only show up to claim their trophy. And, if showing up is inconvenient or a hardship, America will mail the awards to the recipients.

In the spirit of T-Ball America, Phyne Dyning is awarding its own T-Ball Awards to those whose mediocrity stands tall above the complacency of others.

Here we go!

Our first Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award goes to America’s “heroes”.

Wearing an army black beret was once an honor earned by its elite Airborne Rangers. Today, they’re plopped on the heads of everyday clerks, REMFs, and BOLOs. Everyone in the army today is a “winner”. And, as every T-Ball player knows, every winner is a hero.

MSNBC’s Chris Hayes came under fire for his comments on the everyday use of the word “hero”. Hayes intemperately opined that he felt uncomfortable using the word because it may become a justification for future wars. He’s terribly close to being right.

The ratio of support troops to combat troops has bounced from 4:1 during WWII to 7:1 in Iraq and Afghanistan. In Vietnam, the ratio was around 5:1. It literally takes an army of paper-shuffling clerks and bakers to support a squad of trigger-pullers.

The real shame does not belong to Chris Hayes. The shame belongs to those who have done time in the military as Rear Echelon Muther-F*ckers and who fail to correct the folks at home who call them “heroes”.

The real heroes seldom lived to hear themselves called “hero”.

The same goes for the stay-at-home folks manning police cars, fire trucks, ambulances, classroom desks, or those who shuffle papers. They are not “heroes”.

But in T-Ball America all of them are “heroes” and they are worthy of the Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award for Heroism.

You’re finished! You’re out at Faber. No more fun of any kind! – Dean Wormer

Most school administrators would gladly suffer the “irresponsibility” of recently graduated seniors at Kenowa Hills High School in Walker, Michigan.

Walker is a suburb of Grand Rapids.

In many American schools, police officers patrol the hallways and man metal detectors in hopes of deterring the youthful criminal element from bringing firearms to school. Drug-sniffing dogs pant and paw around student lockers and teachers practice “lock down drills” on par with maximum-security penitentiaries.

Katie Pennington, the principle at KHHS, threw an admirable hissy-fit when about sixty or so of her graduating seniors decided to bicycle to class en masse on the last day of school. Pennington harangued the kids for their “irresponsible conduct” and threatened to deny them attendance at their graduation ceremony.


Pennington and her minions of flying monkeys had decreed a “zero tolerance policy” for last day of school pranks. Pranks: Stuff like: toilet paper in the trees, lockers super-glued shut, and cherry bombs in the toilets…to outright

Principal Pennington

criminal conduct and vandalism such as: spray painting the school, breaking windows, and even beating up a hated teacher.

Pennington’s “irresponsible” young charges went so far as to ask a police officer to provide an escort for the bicycling students. Their ad hoc graduation bicycle parade was preceded by a golf cart and an enormous banner proclaimed eternal student pride in being alumni of the “Kenowa Hills High School Knights”.


[The Walker PD officer was later subjected internal investigation by its Chief of Police Catherine Garcia-Lindstrom for his “failure” to bring the planned bicycle ride to the attention of his bosses.]

It’s nuts! Most people realize it’s f-ing nuts.

So, Pennington and Garcia-Lindstrom will share this week’s Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award for Best Dramatic Performance.

Shared Justice Awards for Law Enforcement

Phyne Dyning awards its T-Ball Award for Justice to two Iowa law enforcement agencies:

The Chariton (Iowa) Police Department garnered its share of the award for retaining Sgt. Tyler Ruble on the force after complaints surfaced about Ruble allegedly tasing a mentally disturbed woman as his own form of punishment. The City of Chariton has refused to answer the complaint. It was later learned that Sgt. Ruble was the subject of Sheriff’s Department investigation for domestic assault with injury.

Des Moines Police Department is likely to remain a top contender for a share in the Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award for Justice…simply because its officers are becoming a regular feature of local news show crime beats.

No, the department isn’t profiled for solving cases. Rather, its officers are becoming regular fodder for indictments.

Chief Judy Bradshaw continues to keep a low profile after an active duty lieutenant and his wife, a former DMPD officer were indicted on fraud charges involving real estate.

Congratulations, Chief Bradshaw, you’re a winner!

Old Chinese saying: Fish rot from the head down.

Speaking of head…

Des Moines Public Schools Superintendent, Nancy Sebring, sounds like a fun gal.

According to steamy emails Sebring sent via school technology, Sebring carried on an extramarital affair and detailed some of her bedroom gymnastics and fantasies in those emails.

Sebring had just resigned from her DMPS position and accepted the role of fearless leader for the Omaha schools.

Hell hath no fury like an Iowan scorned seems to be at play here.

The Des Moines Register wasted no time in releasing details from Sebring’s erotic email account.

Sebring had already resigned and there was no public interest in releasing the emails, except for their titillation value. Phyne Dyning surmises that the Register was playing a game of, “If Des Moines can’t have her, we’ll set it up so Omaha won’t take her.”

Absent of such mal-intent, the publication of Sebring’s erotic fantasies was, at the least, mean-spirited action by the folks at the Register.

Sebring subsequently resigned from her new job in Omaha.

So much for the fair-mindedness of Iowa.

In recognition of the Register’s above and beyond the call of (yellow) journalism with regard to Ms. Sebring, Phyne Dyning is pleased to award the Des Moines Register the Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award for Journalism.

 There they are: This week’s winners at American T-Ball.

Remember, the standards for winning are minimal…okay, they’re non-existent. So, stand up for mediocrity everywhere by vying for your very own Phyne Dyning T-Ball Award!


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