Stuff to talk about!

In Editorial on October 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Holy crap. I woke up and found out it’s Friday and I had nothing in “the can” for a weekly editorial. My three loyal readers have come to expect something scrawled in the way of editorial content and I’m not going to let them down. Here it is! Enjoy.

The first part of making atonement is to admit guilt.

A lower court held that the City of Des Moines must refund part of a “franchise fee” (tax) assessed on utility bills. The Iowa Supreme Court agreed with the lower court. Monday, the United States Supreme Court refused to hear the city’s appeal to keep the ill-gotten loot.

City leaders have taken to the streets to warn of the usual cuts in fire, police, and public works if they are forced to give citizens back any of the illegally seized loot. The thieves down at City Hall are also giving dire warnings of “huge” hikes in property taxes if the money is paid back.

The tempest in the Des Moines teapot exemplifies how politicians think: An illegal tax (ADA “robbery”) should be tolerated if the money goes to a “good” cause. Not only that, the city leaders seem to think robbers should be permitted to keep all of their illegally gained funds after they are apprehended with red hands.

Bloody amazing! And these are the same people who preach “zero tolerance”, “personal responsibility”, and promote “tough on crime” policies.

They belong in jail.

What’s that sweeping sound?

It has been over a month ago that “Harley”, a Des Moines PD drug detection dog, died in the back seat of his patrol car. After the incident, the public was reassured that an “investigation” would take place and that there would be a full review of department policies related to canine handlers. **Crickets Chirping** The police department re-issued an identical, nonsensical statement on Tuesday.

According to preliminary information released after Harley’s death, the dog died after his handler, Officer Brian Mathis, left the animal in the car and “was distracted” by a telephone call. By the time Mathis returned to the car, Harley had died. The department brass-hats immediately went into damage control mode and stated there was “uncertainty” whether Mathis had left the car’s air conditioning on for poor Harley, or if he even bothered to leave the cruiser’s windows down.

Earlier this summer, police charged a teenager with animal cruelty after his German Shepherd dog was found dead in a dog pen without adequate water. The investigation into the Hispanic boy’s criminal acts took less than a few days. Animal rights groups petitioned prosecutors for a maximum penalty. These same groups have been silent about the dead police dog.

Speaking of sweeping!

“We need to get us some of that RE-form.”

Congressman Leonard (“Pappy O’Daniel”) Boswell may have a race on. The Republican candidate, Tom Latham, has been flogging poor Pappy for weeks.

The best Boswell has come up with has been to decry that Latham’s family bank took bailout money Boswell voted to give them in the first place. That’s some highly damning stuff there, Pappy.

It is why, at every election season, I am a “Man of Constant Sorrow”.

But, is it pink slime?

It sounds like the opening line to a bigot’s joke.

An alert customer saw workers at the Red Flower Chinese Restaurant in Williamsburg, Kentucky wheeling a covered trashcan into the kitchen. The workers were not astute at covertly sneaking road kill into the kitchen. A tail and one leg were seen protruding from the top of the can.

Health inspectors were summoned who confirmed there was a freshly dead deer in the kitchen. The workers stated that they did not know they were doing anything wrong and they also denied serving up road kill to customers in the past.

Stereotypes aside, the incident shows the dichotomy of reason when dealing with the state.

Meat scraps pulverized by corporations become “finely textured ground beef”.

Meat pulverized by an eighteen-wheeler remains “road kill”.

Got it.

Bully for you!

Wisconsin lawyer, Kenneth Krause, learned not to pick a fight with people who have access to unlimited, free airtime with which to rebut. I have a long-standing friendship with a newspaper editor and publisher who tells his critics, “Don’t get into a pissing match with a guy who buys paper by the ton and ink by the barrel.”

In the case of my friend, his critics have little to fear. Like all old-school journalists, he has a thick skin. WKBT air personality, Jennifer Livingston does not.

When I first heard about the “bullying” email, I envisioned an invective laden rant filled with despicable language unfit for mixed company.

Here is what Mr. Krause wrote:

“It’s unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn’t improved for many years,” Krause wrote in the original message. “Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable example for this community’s young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you’ll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.”

You gotta be kidding!

Livingston rebutted with a four-minute rant of her own that went viral among the gravity enhanced, but thinly skinned.

An adult would have simply tossed the email into the circular file and smeared more cream cheese onto her bagel.

Bullying? This is bullying?

I didn’t even see it as mean-spirited. If Jennifer wants to see “mean-spirited”, I’ll send her some of the email I get at Phyne Dyning. Most of it comes from (un)liberal Democrats who are upset that a few of us don’t kiss the hem of the state’s robes when it passes. Ask the guys wearing NRA caps about their reception at any Obama-Biden campaign office.

I share Livingston’s propensity toward being rotund. Four years ago, I ditched nearly 55 pounds. Then, I stupidly lost interest in fitness and took up the sedentary life. My doctor pointed out to me that I was fat and hypertensive.

I didn’t call him a bully. I thanked him and went home to work out.

If Ms. Livingston is content living within her abundance of skin, G-d Bless her. She should throw away any further critical email and eat something. But I have a feeling that she’s not really comfortable in her queen-size pantyhose and Krause struck one of her well-insulated nerves.

It would account for her over-the-top public response to Krause.

So, let’s get this straight. Krause sends Livingston a private email encouraging her to lose some weight so she can be a better role model for local kids. In response, Livingston publicly humiliates and stereotypes Krause…and encourages people sympathetic to her to pile on Krause’s case.

Who’s the bully?

Hypersensitivity for everyone!


Arby’s went and screwed up big time. It had been pretty quiet in the months following the gaffe of journalism professor, Stephen Bloom, when he poked at Iowa’s seedier (no pun intended) side or since Elle Magazine lampooned Iowa’s state fair couture.

The deafening “THWUMP” of Iowa panties being sucked into a bunch heralded that Arby’s had committed the most foul of deeds.

They mocked something Iowan. Well, that’s not an accurate statement. Read on.

The Arby’s spot featured former NYPD Detective Bo Dietl on a mission to “expose the truth about fresh slicing”. Dietl “uncovers” that Subway’s turkey for its sandwiches is sliced in Mount Pleasant, Iowa.

“That’s a long way for a turkey sandwich”, Dietl deadpanned to the camera.

Arby’s slices its turkey at each store.

The Arby’s ad did not say something offensive (and truthful):

“Subway’s turkey is sliced in Iowa. Iowa has huge hog confinements spewing millions of gallons of pig shit into Iowa’s lakes and streams, along with tons of agricultural chemicals and pesticides. If you knew about Iowa, you’d probably rather have turkey sliced in Chernobyl. No, you want your turkey sliced fresh, in the restaurant where it will be served, like it is at Arby’s.”

The (now) pulled ad simply highlighted that the turkey Subway serves up on its sandwiches travels hundreds, if not thousands, of miles before it sees bread.

The horror!


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