City Criminals and The War on Poverty: Latest news from the front

In Editorial on February 1, 2013 at 11:07 am

It’s been some time since Phyne Dyning focused its bleary, jaundiced eyes on local issues. Today, we’ll take a peek at local criminal activity by the Swells. We’ll also look at how Central Iowa is being diligently protected from the poor.


Hey Buddy, can you spare $40 million?

In 2008, Commoner Lisa Kragnes sued the City of Des Moines over its collection of ‘a dollar here, a dollar there’ as an illegal tax deliberately mislabeled as a ‘franchise fee’. The city had been assessing the fee, illegally added to utility bills, since 2004. The court agreed with Kragnes that the fee was an illegal tax and that the money, then $35 million, must be returned to the Commoners from which it had been illegally seized.

The Swells over at City Hall were outraged. They lambasted Kragnes in the press as an uninformed meddler who did not appreciate the import and the necessary nature in levying an illegal tax so the Swells could ‘do good things’ with the purloined loot.

Crime Scene (Royalty-free Stock Photo)

Crime Scene (Royalty-free stock photo)

The tax was levied, they claimed, “to hire more police and firefighters, maintain the library’s hours, and rehabilitate deteriorating neighborhoods”. Their motives, they claimed, were good, pure, and in the public interest. They so-appealed to the Iowa Supreme Court, which agreed with the trial court that the money must be returned.

The Iowa Supremes logically saw no difference between the city’s illegal tax and the actions of a robber who shoves a pistol into the belly of a convenience store clerk, steals the store’s money, and gives the loot to a homeless shelter.

The City Hall Swells again howled in outrage. Having to return the stolen money would bankrupt the city. So, they appealed to the United States Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court denied the city’s write for petition of certiorari and the Swells played their ultimate chutzpah card: they promised to punish city residents with property tax increases and decreased city services (always in the form of reduced fire, EMT, and police patrols). Unless they were allowed to keep the illegally seized loot, the Visigoths and Vandals would sweep through the city gates and ravish it.

The public was unimpressed. The Swell’s argument held about the same amount of water with them, as did a mugger’s plea that returning a purloined watch would cause him immeasurable and continuing hardship.

“Give the money back”, the Commoners cried. The amount owed to the commoners had grown to $39.5 million.

As with all criminal syndicates, the problem-solving ingenuity of the City Hall Swells is not limited by morals or ethics.

This week, according to the official news organ of all things State (The Des Moines Register), the Swells had another plan. The article detailed how unnamed Swells had provided local real estate moguls with letters and cheerfully asked the moguls to sign zee pay-pahs. But what did the papers say?

The papers said that the moguls had agreed to waive their entitlement to the court ordered refund of their portion of the stolen loot.

It was a brilliant move. The City Hall Swells thought the real estate Swells would not mind being gang-raped in the prison shower. After all, it would be consensual Swell-to-Swell intercourse. Once the City Hall Swells had lined up their fellow Swells as marks, the Commoners would fall into line, forgive the City Hall Swells their trespasses, and willingly decline their refunds out of misplaced civic duty.

Unfortunately for the professional predators in the ranks of the City Hall Swells, the real estate Swells were adverse to involuntary buggery and declined the city’s offer. The letters found their way into the hands of reporters at the Register.

The names of the City Hall Swells responsible for button-holing (and intended corn-holing) the real estate Swells were dutifully redacted by the Register to “city leaders” and “officials”. The names of the real estate Swells receiving the letters were, of course, dutifully published for all to see.

Polk County Senior Judge Joel Novak was not amused by the city’s foot-dragging and ongoing machinations to avoid issuing overdue refund checks to the Commoners and ordered the city to proceed with printing them up. That’s nice, but it is not a full victory for the Commoners.

Commoners will not be treated to 9 o’clock news footage of “city leaders” and “officials” doing the perp-walk in orange jump suits, as befits any thief. They will skate by, just like the criminals who signed off on implementing the illegal tax.


Being a Swell is, well, swell. It is why criminals run for office.

Meanwhile, those who ‘Protect and Serve’ are protecting us from…

The homeless and the poor.

Evidence of state failures (Photo: WHO TV)

Evidence of state failures (Photo: WHO TV)

The City Hall Swells cannot abide homeless people (people who provide their own living accommodations without purchasing or renting them from government-approved sources). During the coldest week of the past January, the City Swells embarked to evict anyone living outside of approved domiciles (e.g. under a bridge).

The various homeless camps throughout the city would be evacuated and the camps dismantled.

“But I’m not homeless”, properly declared one camper. He displayed his neatly kept campsite, firewood piled in tidy fashion next to his tarp-reinforced tent. A few propane canisters stood safely distant, donated by churches sympathetic to the down and out.

The City Swells cited public safety as their reason for liquidating the city’s very own public display that the State cannot care for the poor as promised. The Swells cited concerns from fellow Swells walking the city’s neatly groomed bicycle paths (paid for with confiscated cash) about pan-handlers and a sighting of a homeless man ‘holding a machete’.

As the temperatures plummeted, support for the homeless soared. Commoners, themselves just a paycheck from homelessness, complained about the inhumanity in the intent of the Swells to make Des Moines homeless-rein and impoverished-frei during the coldest week of the year.

The Swells backed off. Their enforcers denied there was any intent (for now) to deploy truncheon-swinging goons into the camps to enforce the edicts. The Swells decided to re-group and plan for later aktions over the $10 martinis served at trendy bistros on Court Avenue, conveniently located nearby City Hall.

Eeeek, a pan-handler!

Windsor Heights Kamera Kar tribute extractor (Photo: WHO TV)

Windsor Heights Kamerakar tribute extractor (Photo: WHO TV)

Meanwhile, in the nearby Des Moines suburb of Windsor Heights, police manpower has been freed from issuing their infamous demands for highway tribute by deploying their automated enforcement kamerakar. The demands for highway tribute are infamous because the city, home to a Hy Vee grocery, Sam’s Club, and a crumbling Wal Mart, vigorously enforces its notorious 25mph speed limit.

Windsor Heights had earlier sought to increase their take of tribute by installing speed-kameren along the berg’s couple of hundred yards of interstate. The move was slapped down by state officials motivated to protect tribute kollection down the road a mile or two by kameren deployed by the Swells in the City of Des Moines.

Having evaded cries of ‘unfair’ by Swells down the road by using a mobile kamerakar instead of fixed-location kameren, what did the leaders of the fun-sized Windsor Heights Police Department do with all of their spare time?

Taking their lead from the Swells down the highway, they set out on their own campaign to make Windsor Heights poverty-frei by harassing the panhandlers begging alms along the private road bordering the local Wal Mart and Sam’s Club.

The goons are diligent in their pursuit of keeping me safe from poor people.

Every time I pass by the location, I have seen some poor mook holding a cardboard sign descended upon by the local poverty-politzei. The goon demands identification and encourages the beggar to move along. Those daring to give alms are chased down and given a jackboot-view lecture on the proper care and feeding of the poor.

There really is a War on Poverty

The Swells contend that Commoners, like Lisa Kragnes, simply do not understand the holy mission of the Swells. The Swells have been appointed by themselves to ensure for prosperity. When they fail, they sweep their failings under a rug that is already lumpy from their other failures.

When a poor person visibly begs alms, it betrays the impotence and incompetence of the Swells. Therefore, the visible poor must be eliminated. Nothing shields incompetence better than brutality. When the poor and the homeless are ‘evacuated’ from cities, the gullible can be made to believe the cities are prospering.

Then, now reassured that their city is prospering (via the absence of poor people), the Commoners can be fleeced for higher taxes and illegal fees for the Swells to piss away on pet projects for fellow Swells.

It is what it is.


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